There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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