my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
