You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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