haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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