I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
