I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
my liver is dry heaving
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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