Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
