She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
