omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
