Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
