I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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