the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
