I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
