Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
