Heybabeimwearingurpanties
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
