you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
