Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
