I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
