Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
