The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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