Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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