I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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