I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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