just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
