I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
