I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
What a dumb baby whore.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
