the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
