I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
