Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
