I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
