I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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