there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
