I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
