I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
