You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
