She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My feet surprised me
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