my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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