You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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