Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
