A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
