Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
