put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
