I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
