from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
