What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
