Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
