do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
