If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
