If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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