The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
